Relationships: authenticity and transformation

Questions on love, fear, and authenticity in human relationships

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Introduction

The project was for me a path of inner growth and transformation. I lived more intensively with questions that were ever-present in me, regarding the otherness and the relationships and, in the process, more than getting answers, the question changed and me with them. I found confirmations and inspirations in books; I felt I could really understand what the author was conveying and what were the underlying inner questions, and on the other end, I felt understood by the authors; probably these questions rely in every human being. I had insights into other people’s views through questionnaires and interviews; what came out was the clear feeling that everyone is seeking the same, often without knowing how to get there. But mostly it was a practical experience, of trying to change the way I relate, with others and myself, and see the results of a different attitude. And this was the most marvelous process: I experienced that being open encourages openness also in the other and enables a beautiful relationship to be created; if I am really listening to the other trying to become an empty vessel, the other feels embraced, and I could feel a certain calm and serenity inside myself.

In the following pages I tried to pose my questions and where they brought me, which was often to more questions. The base of the project relies on the strong feeling of the importance of relationships and their impact in defining who one is. From the answers received in the questionnaires and interviews I carried out, it was clear that everyone would like to have authentic and enriching relationships in which one can grow as an individual. These questions surged spontaneously: “Why we feel so often non-authentic, not understood and lonely while we relate? Why can’t we really get in contact with the other? Why do many relationships leave us unsatisfied and empty or even drained?”. There is a wide spectrum of relationship outcomes, from the desired enrichment to misunderstandings, all the way to conflicts. I attributed it to a lack of authenticity, with others and oneself. I delved therefore into the question of the meaning of being oneself; for many, being oneself relies on the possibility to be as one would want, not fearful of other’s judgment. I asked myself where this fear comes from since the judgment is often an internal projection that doesn’t reflect the reality of external facts. I hypothesized that it resides in the excess of self-consideration, the impression that everything is about us, regarding others as objects and not complex beings as we consider ourselves. Additionally, often we don’t even recognize this and we lie, to others but mainly to ourselves, attributing the cause of our fears to others’ words or even thoughts. We think we love but actually we only want to be loved; therefore, we relate to others to take something from them, and we are not honest, with ourselves firstly, in the desperate attempt to avoid losing the other. I believe this fear of losing others hides something different, namely the fear of losing ourselves. If we want to overcome the fears, we should first recognize them, stop lying, and then start a process of weakening the ego and discovery of the real self. As a consequence, we start really seeing others as spiritual beings, not limited and restricted by the view we have of them.

How do we do this? In the history of spiritual and moral development, even if with different methods, the central point seems to be attention and self-awareness, as a continuous process that requires to be active but at the same time receptive. Observation of our habits, feelings and thoughts on one side and observation of natural phenomena and other beings on the other seems to be theway to train this faculty. But why is it so hard to develop this consciousness? How can we be attentive and active but at the same time receptive and patient? And ultimately, are observation and attention enough to develop this higher knowledge of self and love others?

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